I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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