Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
