Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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