the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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