she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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