How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My cat gives me a boner
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
