I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
