Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
This is classic penis vs brain.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
