I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
