I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
this hospital has no fireball
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
