Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize