Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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