Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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