just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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