he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
