Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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