"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Can I color on your dick again?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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