I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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