I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
