Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
