I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize