Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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