I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
