I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
home. puking in laundry basket.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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