In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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