If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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