I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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