if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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