So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
