his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
