i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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