I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
