Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
