yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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