Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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