just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
