I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Randomize
