break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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