My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
