if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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