Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Randomize
