mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
