I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
And then my night got REAL pukey
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
