This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
