True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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