We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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