I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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