i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
