I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
