I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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