What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize