If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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