Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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