I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
