I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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