drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize