Don't you send me to vm
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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